I have always enjoyed the breastfeeding stage of motherhood – the snuggled baby who watches you with his eyes and grips you tight with his little hands while he receives nourishment. And with my Winston baby, it’s been an extra-special time.
I think it’s because it is dawning on me that I really will not be in this season forever. I will not always have a baby to cuddle. My body will not continue to always be able to conceive, carry, deliver, and feed a little one.
I am actually aging and changing.
With my firstborn, everything was new and the breastfeeding experience was a learning process. I researched, discussed, and evaluated. I found what worked well for me and my baby. We learned together, my firstborn and I.
With my second-born, I had not only my second-born to snuggle but also my 17-month old to keep occupied. I worked at creating a routine that was not only good for myself and my nursing baby but also included my toddler. It included a lot of book-reading while nursing. We did it as a trio – my second-born, first-born and I.
With my third-born infant, I now had a 3-year-old and 1 1/2 year old who sat on either side of me during most of the nursing sessions each with a book that they wanted read aloud. It felt like I might be in this stage forever. It was not so long ago that I had also nursed the two that are now snuggled to my side. Sometimes, they would go off and play together while I nursed their younger brother; but most times, it was a routine we did as a quartet – my preschooler, toddler, baby, and I.
Now, with my fourth-born, there are times when I have a child at my side; but most often my older trio of boys are off playing/working/exploring together. They are leaving my side more often and finding that the world is their playground of new experiences. I will not be in this stage forever with littles to snuggle. So I snuggle Winston a little tighter; and wonder if I should work harder at being able to breast feed him past the standard one-year that my body has been able to do with my past boys.
I find myself wishing that I could freeze this time and just keep him here a little longer.
But then I see him, pushing against me and sitting up so that he can keep a better eye on his brothers. And his eyes are no longer locked on mine when nursing; but rather, he pops on and off trying to turn his head to the commotion of his brothers in the room next door. He snuggles in at first, but soon squirms in my arms and wants to go on to the next thing.
He does not want to stay here forever. He wants to grow up and join his tribe of brothers.
And somehow it is easier for me to say “goodbye” to this season with him when I see how much he longs to continue to the next season of greater independence.
Is this what the rest of motherhood will look like – a growing realization of seasons passing? My longing to freeze time coupled with the realization that my children are quite excited about this whole growing-up-thing. And I am not about to be the rain on their parade – I want to be the mom who is excited about what they get excited about. And really, it’s not too hard to choose to get excited about the next season too when I see how excited they are.
And it’s not just with Winston.
It’s with Cameron going to first grade soon. Full time school.
It’s with Hudson starting kindergarten as well. Two boys now out of my 24-hour care.
It’s with Bennett coaxing Winston into being his playmate in the sandbox for many, many minutes without checking in on me.
And they are all so very excited about growing up. Let’s go, my boys!